THE TALEGATE PODCAST
E4: Florida Keys
FLORIDA MAN: Howdy folks, and welcome to Dashboard Chats!
CHEESEHEAD: As the name implies, we are recording mini segments from our dashboard on the drive between our main interviews to discuss the tales and urban legends that aren’t quite fit for the mic.
FM: That’s right! Ain’t every topic ripe for interviewin’ but that don’t make them any less interesting. With that, I’m Harrison, the Florida Man.
CH: And I’m Aaron, the Cheesehead. Today we come to you from a Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru en route to the eastern Florida coast.
FM: Indeed we are! We’re actually--
DD: Welcome to Dunkin Donuts! Would you like to start your day with one of our signature Key Lime Iced lattes?
CH: A Key whatcha-ma-whoozit? No. We just want coffee.
DD: How about one of our seasonal Key Lime Creme Macchiatos?
CH: Um, no? We just want coffees.
DD: Coffee as in one of our new signature Key Lime Cold Brews--?
CH: NO. Coffee, as in simple, black, scald-your-fucking-throat COFFEE!
DD: Just plain black coffee then?
CH: Yes, why is that so hard to understand!
DD: One black coffee. Will that be all for you?
CH: Ah, no, one moment, please. Florida Man, what are you drinking?
FM: I’ll take one of ‘em signature Key Lime Creme-of-the-crop Machoman things.
DD: What was that?
CH: Jesus Christ. And one, ugh, one...
DD: One what?
CH: One signature Key Lime Creme Macchiato :(
DD: …
CH: You there?
DD: Yea, just making sure I heard that correctly: One “simple, black, scald-your-F-Word-Throat coffee” and a… what was the second one again?
CH: A… a Key Lime creme macchiato.
DD: Sorry, could you repeat that for me, please?
CH: A KEY LIME CREME MACCHIATO!
DD: One more time for me?
CH: Fuck you, we’re going to Starbucks!
[peel out]
FM: So anyway, we were coming to you from the Dunkin Donuts drive through. For the record, Key Limes come from the Florida Keys, a string of islands stretching some 120 miles off the southernmost tip of the peninsula.
CH: Well, ain’t that swell.
FM: They’re islands with bunches of waves so there’s a whole lot of surfin, thus a whole lot of swell.
CH: You surf, Florida Man?
FM: I love the occasional longboard.
CH: I thought the Atlantic’s gentler coast made for poor surfing?
FM: Long board’ll ride just ‘bout anything. But most surfers here hit the waves kicked up just before a hurricane.
CH: Well, that sounds suicidal.
FM: I mean, good thing ‘bout hurricanes as opposed to say, tornados or earthquakes, is that you know they’re coming and can keep an eye on their trajectory. Surf hard and get GTFO.
CH: I guess so. As a native only to the very non-oceanic Great Lakes, it just sounds so dangerous paddling in the open sea. Do you usually surf in safe waters at least?
FM: Usually surf in New Smyrna.
CH: Ah. So like, the kitty-pool of the Atlantic?
FM: Welp CNN actually just did an article on it and turns out this year, Florida is lower in 2020 than the past five-years of shark attacks.
CH: Well that’s a relief!
FM: However, still reminds the number one spot for unprovoked shark attacks.
CH: Cripes! In the entire nation?
FM: In the entire world. Of the 64 reported shark attacks worldwide, Florida counts a third of it.
CH: Holy rolly-polly Istanbuli cannoli!
FM: New Smyrna beach being the shark capital.
CH: Get me out of this state!
FM: The next state is Alabama, so...
CH: What could be worse than shark attacks?
FM: You ever see, “Deliverance?”
CH: That movie takes place in Georgia, try again.
FM: Nick Saban.
CH: Ah hush. Today we’re gonna discuss some of the wonderful attractions here in Florida and HOPEFULLY dispel some of their urban legends.
FM: Well let’s start with sharks then. World-wide shark capital only had, like, two fatal attacks. A far cry less than dogs, bees...even cows.
CH: There are cows in Florida?
FM: Whole bunch of ‘em.
CH: So Florida is primarily an agricultural state then.
FM: Even my old high school had orange groves, a horse, an emu farm. But there’s a whole lot more to Florida than that.
CH: Theme parks like Disney World, Sea World, and Universal World, yah?
FM: Universal Studios, but even pre-WDW, Florida was home to countless attractions such as the Weekie Watchee mermaids, Cypress Gardens, Circus World, Gatorland…
CH: Isn’t Florida “gatorland” enough?
FM: Hah, yea. But Gatorland is actually one of my absolute favorite roadride attractions. One of the most enduring to boot. Opened in 1949 and had done nothing but glow-up ever since.
CH: I think you mentioned Gatorland when we interviewed Skunky. Isn’t that home to the “Social-Distancing Skunkape?”
FM: Sure is. Also a film location for Indiana Jones.
CH: You’re kidding me. When did Indiana Jones ever encounter alligators? OH--Young Indy on the circus train in the beginning of Last Crusade, right?
FM: That ain’t what they filmed at Gatorland. It’s actually a short, but iconic scene towards the end of Temple of Doom during the final fight on the roped suspension bridge extending over the canyon.
CH: That was a croc-filled canyon, though. Alligators aren’t even indeginous to India.
FM: Correct. But accuracy-be-damned, because they sure enough filmed the alligators of Gatorland in place of true crocodiles in hopes the audience was nonethewiser.
CH: And most were. How can you even tell the difference between the two?
FM: Crocs get bigger and have triangular snouts. Gators are stockier with rounded snouts.
CH: Interesting. So Florida is more than just agriculture. It has more amusement parks than you
can count, by the sound of it.
FM: Not to mention Florida hosts two of america’s 9 active spaceports.
CH: Out of this world!
FM: I’m tellin’ ya.
CH: So back to these stupid key limes… what was that all about?
FM: Key limes are small, extremely acidic and tart limes used as a base for Florida’s signature dessert. They come from the Florida Keys.
CH: I’ve been to the Florida Keys before, but all I remember are some weird looking 6-toes cats. We visited the estate of the late Earnest Hemingway, author of Old Man and the Sea, and apparently his house acted as some sort of sanctuary for these extra-digited felines.
FM: You are absolutely correct. Polydactyl cats aren’t exclusive to the Hemingway Estate, but certainly unique to it, considering it houses around 45 of ‘em at any given time. Started when the author was given a white six-toed cat by a ship captain.
CH: So Key Lime Pies, Ernest Hemingway, polydactyl cats… I guess I understand the appeal of the Florida Keys beyond just some popular beach destination.
FM: And you ain’t even met Robert yet.
CH: Robert? Sounds innocent enough.
FM: You ever seen Chucky?
CH: Oh yah, that horror franchise centered around the possessed, blood-thirsty murder doll voiced by Grima Wormtongue? Hard to forget.
FM: Ever wondered what inspired such a haunting tale?
CH: Nope. Not once.
FM: Exactly, Robert is a doll is on display at...wait. What, you said no?
CH: I mean, you asked if I ever wondered about the inspiration of the Child’s Play franchise. Can’t say I have. But don’t stop your story on my account.
FM: Well I wasn’t gonna! Key West is home of the East Martello Museum, previously owned by famous artist and author Robert Eugene Otto. It houses Robert the doll, an innocent looking plush boy in a little sailor’s outfit.
CH: Sounds adorable!
FM: Robert also happens to be one of the most haunted dolls there ever was, right up there with the infamous Annabelle.
CH: Speak ill as you will of Alabama, but I’ve never been happier to book it northwest than I am knowing that it’s the absolute opposite direction of that creepy, God-forsaken doll!
FM: Maybe we outta turn ‘round South and interview the little guy, whattya say?
CH: I’m going to put my boot down and stop yah there.
FM: Welp, prolly a good place to stop in general as we’ve just pulled into Starbucks so thanks folks for joining us for this edition of Dashboard Chats. We’ll try to do one each week in between Talegate interviews, so be sure to tune in.
CH: If you know any other creepy doll stories, or even have some of your own, feel free to email us at thetalegatepodcast@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram @TheTalegatePodcast for photos, cast info, updates and more!
SB: Good morning, and can I interest you in our seasonal nitro coldbrew reserve topped with our artisanal Key Lime coconut milk foam?
CH: Fuck this.
[peel out]
FM: This is gonna be a long trip.
CH: See you later, Talegaters >:(
FM: Byebyyye.