S1E1 - The Florida Skunk Ape

The Talegaters interview the Florida Skunk Ape for the real story behind the ancient legendary cryptid dating back to the Mayakka Tribe. Taking a deep peek at decades of photo and video evidence, The Talegate is on the hunt to find whether or not these testimonies are legitimate or mere myth. 

The Skunk Ape is common folklore throughout the Southeast United States, chiefly Florida, Alabama, and Georgia. Though reports of the Skunk Ape or Swamp Ape first appeared in papers in the 1960s and -70s, most famously Dave Shealy's encounter in 1974, this magnificent and mysterious creature predates settlers. The Esti Capcaki, or "Cannibal Giant" is a staple of Seminole (Creek Confederacy) and similar stories existed with Myakka tribes as well. 

Follow us as we interview the beast in question by listening on Apple Podcast, Spotify, Deezer, iHeartRadio, and other fine podcast directories; and please subscribe, rate. and review! OR simply visit www.thetalegatepodcast.com. 

Transcript

THE TALEGATE

Episode 1: Florida Skunk Ape

Part 1: Introduction

FLORIDA MAN: Howdy folks, and welcome to The Talegate!

CHEESEHEAD: For those of you just joining us, we’re on a roadtrip across America to uncover the mysteries behind tall tales, fairy tales, folktales, fishtales, & urban legends, one interview at a time.

FM: My cousin and I inherited a truck from our late Granny May and discovered that the crystal hanging off the rearview mirror was more than decorative. It’s a Dowsing Pendulum leading us to the good folks behind the tales we all grew up with. With that, I’m Harrison, the Florida Man. 

CH: And I’m Aaron, the Cheesehead. And today, we begin our journey at the water’s edge in Florida Everglades National Park, sitting on the tailgate of our ancient beast of a truck, and waiting for our special guest to arrive. 

FM: Waitin’ is right. We’ve been waitin’ for a while, actually.

CH: Ugh. Cripes sake. [slapping sound] Darn mosquitos. Can’t go two seconds without another one biting me.

FM: You get used to ‘em.

CH: I’d rather not. Hold on a second there, what’s that out on the water? [large fan noises]  Looks like an airboat] Hey over here!

FL: Looks like Burt Reynolds.

CH: Can’t be...Burt Renyolds died years ago.

FL: Well, you tell me, Cheesehead; what’s that looks like to you?

CH: Burt Reynolds on an airboat. A suspiciously tall Burt Reynolds on an airboat. 

FM: Is this what Granny’s pendulum dragged us all the way out here to find?

[insanely loud airboat sounds. Boat beaches and motor cuts.]

SKUNKY: “Sometimes you have to lose yourself 'fore you can find anything.”

FM: Okay, now he’s just quoting Burt Reynolds. Look here, big guy, we were hoping to interview a sort of mythical creature, not some Hollywood impersonator. 

SKUNKY: Right, one sec, one sec!

[fabric and zipper sounds]

CH: Oh dear, he’s unbuttoning his shirt. Mighty hairy fellow. 

FM: No kiddin’. Aaand now he’s... unzipping his pants. You gonna buy us dinner first or what? W-wait a sec!

SKUNKY: Phew, that’s better. 

CH: Golly-gee, you’re… you’re Bigfoot!

SKUNKY: Close, but no cigar.”

FM: Nah, Cheesehead, he ain’t bigfoot. Not quite...I know exactly who he is.

CH: Who is he then?

FM: Just the fella I was hopin’ to see. Why, ain’t none other than the amazing Florida Skunk Ape.

CH: What Florida whatcha-ma-whoosit?.

SKUNKY: Yee-haw! That’s right, it’s me, the one and only Florida Skunk Ape! ...Well, that’s not entirely true. Actually, there are several of us Skunk Apes, but I am one of the few, at least. 

CH: Oh Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that.

SKUNKY: Nah, we sasquatch types are biologically engineered that way. Only mate every fifty years or so and most of us are introverts anyhow. Most besides me, anyway. 

FM: A fact that I’m awful thankful for. Care to join us for a little interview? I mean, when you’re done strippin’ anyway. Or were you just gonna leave the cowboy hat on?

SKUNKY: “I take off my hat for one thing and one thing only…” 

CH/FM: Ew.

SKUNKY: interviewing with my new best buds!

[straining truck sounds implying they have sat]

CH: Well, that’s a relief. How about we start this off with proper introductions: I’m Aaron, a Cheesehead and actor from America’s Dairyland, and this guy in the ballcap is my cousin.

FM: Name’s Harrison, educator and museologist, but otherwise just a regular Florida Man.

SKUNKY: Nothing regular about the Florida Man. I should know, I am kinda the OG. Granted I've assumed many different titles over the centuries, but most know me simply as the Florida Skunk Ape.

CH: What other names have you gone by? If you don’t mind me asking.

SKUNKY: Don’t mind one bit! Lemme see: I’ve gone by Myakka, Big Foot, Stink Foot, Stink Ape, Skunk Ape. Swamp Ape, Sasquatch, Swampsquatch, and my own personal favorite, Swamp Cabbage Man. But friends and family just call me Skunky.

 CH: Well good to have yah on, Mr. Skunky, and welcome the show!

FM: And as a Swamp Cabbage Man, I gotta suggest you steer clear of Airbenders. But before we get down to business, what we drinkin’ today, Cheesehead?

CH: Ah, gimme a sec. Got to grab that cooler right behind yah, Mr Sunky. Here we go, a fresh 4-pack of tallboys. Coincidentally enough, today’s brewskis are “Swamp Ape Double IPA” by Florida Beer Company. And here I was just buying them for the novelty. Whatdya think?

FM: Whoo, got that 10% ABV. Reckon they owe royalties to Universal and Illumination with all this Hop. 

CH: Speaking of which, Florida Beer Company is actually partnered with the Universal Studios Resorts as providers of their park-exclusive beers such as Duff Beer, Hogs Head Brew, Wizard’s Brew, and Dragon Scale.

FM: Glad to see big pockets helpin’ out local breweries. You know, I ain’t a huge fan of IPA, muchless a double, but this here ain’t half bad.

Skunky: Double IPA’s about the only beer that’ll reach a guy of my constitution, being 7 foot tall 300lbs. So hat’s off to good folks who made it, and I can’t think of a better name.

Part 2: History of the Skunk Ape

FM: To kick things off, Skunky, I’d love to talk a little more about your history. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but y’all Skunk Apes have been around for a pretty damn long time.

SKUNKY: That’s correct. Seminole and Miccosukee Nations told stories of us Swamp Apes for centuries before our tales bled into popular culture. We weren’t “monsters” back then, we were just part of nature. Those were simpler times.

CH: Simpler indeed. It wasn’t until the 1940’s where your legend really solidified as part of the modern Floridian folklore after several eye-witness accounts made headlines. Care to speak on it?

SKUNKY: Sure, I first got published about in 1942 after I scared some poor guy right out his Levis. 

CH: Oooh, what happened there?

SKUNKY: It was in Suwannee County. I was just sitting at the edge of the woods minding my own business, blending in like I normally do while in the buff, when I noticed some poor fella by the road drop his billfold before hopping into his vehicle. So I did what any other ape would do.

FM: Wait for him to peel out and pocket the money?

SKUNKY: Close! I come bustin’ out of the trees hollering the top of my lungs for his attention, snatched up the billfold, and b-lined it for the man! But he just screamed and punched the accelerator to speed off for some reason. So... I did what any other ape would do.

CH: Uh, cut your losses and report the wallet missing?

SKUNKY: Close! I broke into a sprint after the guy but he just kept screamin’ and drivin’. So what choice did I have but to leap onto the running boards of his pick-up truck and ride ‘longside him?

FM: Several. You had several options.

SKUNKY: And let that poor feller drive off broke? Not a chance! So there I was: clamped to the side of a speeding pickup. I kept shouting and waving at him to stop, but he kept on the gas and tried to shake me. Beats anything I ever seen. I tossed him his billfold, hopped off the truck, and went about my day feeling pretty proud of myself.

CH: As you should. You’re a good man. Or, Ape? Apeman. You did the right thing, Is what I’m trying to say.

SKUNKY: Tell that to the newspapers. Apparently no good deed goes unpunished. That fella reported me as some kind of wild, stank swamp beast out to murder him. Didn’t even mention the fact that his billfold was returned.

FM: Can’t take it too personal, Skunky. Poor GUY prolly never seen anything like you before. Folks act the damndest when they’re faced with the unknown, much less seven-foot 300lbs of unknown.

SKUNKY: Sadly, it happened again 1957. Everglades not far from where we sit. A group of hunters claimed their camp was invaded by a “big ol’ smelly ape-thing.” I don’t want to sound crass here, so keep this between us, but those hunters didn’t exactly smell like orange blossoms themselves.

CH: Yah, most hunters don’t. 

FM: Comes with the territory. I straight up doused myself in deer piss when huntin’ buck. 

SKUNKY: Meee, too.

FM: You hunt buck? 

SKUNKY: Me? Oh no, I just like the way it smells.

CH: Gross. What were you doing in the hunter's camp anyway?

SKUNKY: The hunters had stepped out of camp to fish by the river. I couldn’t help but notice they left their campfire burning and they didn’t seem to have any water rations to drown the flame, so I did what any other ape would do.

CH: Call a park ranger?

SKUNKY: Close! I summoned all my inner hydrations and urinated onto the campfire until the embers were extinguished. Unfortunately, the hunters returned to camp  much sooner than anticipated on account of forgetting their bait and also under the assumption that there was still a fire to eventually cook their fish. Instead of bait, the only worm they found was mine as I stood there over the fire. 

FM: Can’t imagine what set ‘em off.

SKUNKY: Right? ExcuuUUUuuse me if I don’t want my homelands burned down.

CH: It seems like most of these headlines about you had your motives all wrong. Like, I can get why people are scared at first, but it seems like you are always just trying to be a decent person. Er, Ape. Ape-person.

SKUNKY: Finally, someone gets it!

FM: What happened after that unfortunate camping incident?

SKUNKY: I laid low for the most part. I didn’t make news again until the ‘70s when I “allegedly” chased a human child off of their tricycle. 

CH: Allegedly? 

SKUNKY: Exactly. One evening, I caught my baby cousin, Ape-raham, at the edge of the woods peering out at the little residential block where people lived. Out front, there were human children having a blast on a shiney red tricycle so I figured, they’re all just kids, right? They’re probably open to making new friends. So I did what any other ape would do.

FM: I think I’m seeing a pattern here.

SKUNKY: Exactly! I came bustin’ out of the trees hollering the top of my lungs at those kids, trying to Introduce them to little Ape-braham. But apparently their parents were watching from the garage and feared for their children’s lives. Can you even imagine?

CH: I 100% most definitely can.

FM: Any more stories?

SKUNKY: Do I ever! Few years after, some knucklehead hit me with his car. Of course, I shrugged it off and tried to bang vigorously on his window to let him know I was safe. Guy just drove off with a dented fender even after I offered to buff it out. It was about that time that a bill was introduced to Florida Legislature warning people not to “take, possess, harm or molest anthropoid or humanoid animals.” It wasn’t passed though.

CH: Still, the fact that it was even introduced shows just how serious people took your legend.

SKUNKY: They took it seriously in the wrong direction. I wouldn’t hurt a fly! A mosquito, absolutely. I hate those pesky things, but a fly? Naaaah.

CH: So we’ve seen how people react to you when you surprise them, but what happens when people happen on your first?

Part 3: Evidence of the Skunk Ape

FM: Actually, glad you brought that up, because it’s the perfect segway into a little game we’re ‘bout to play called, “Is This You?” Where I show you alleged images of the infamous Florida Skunk Ape and you tell me if it’s you.

SKUNKY: Heck yea, this is exciting! I love games. 

CH: Perfect! And for those of you listening at home, work, or on-the-go, you can find these images and more by following our instagram @TheTaleGatePodcast. 

FM: Alright, first picture. 1997. Taken by Ochopee Fire Chief, Vince Doerr. It features a wooded area dense with Florida scrub with what appears to be a humanoid outline in the far back if you squint just right. So Skunky, Is This You?

SKUNKY: Let me see here. Nah. This appears to be a hot summer day, if it were me, I’d be wearing my hat here to keep the sun out of my eyes.

CH: That’s right, and what a fine quality cowboy hat it is.

SKUNKY: Thanks, buddy! Modeled after Burt’s from Smokey and the Bandit.

FM: That makes sense. Another one for ya, only this time, it’s actual video footage posted on Youtube by Smithsonian Magazine taken in the year 2000 by Dave Shealy. Imma hit play and you tell me... Is This You?

SKUNKY: Hm, it’s a pretty wide open field of tall grass in broad daylight. Not exactly my go-to choice of hiking area. 

CH: Just a few observations of my own, and again I am no expert: but the guy filming isn’t even trying to hide… would the Skunk Ape not notice him? Does this guy have no concept of self-preservation? Also, why is this skunk ape just meandering back and forth through the tall grass all goofy-like?

SKUNKY: This may be another Skunk Ape, as not all of us are the sharpest pedal on the pinecone, but this is definitely not me. At least I hope I don’t look like that when I run! 

...Do I look like that when I run?

CH: Doubtful. You seem surprisingly spry for a big guy. I got a pretty convincing, if not terrifying photo here published by the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office in December of 2000. It shows an ape-like creature seeking cover behind some sandpines.  Mr. Skunky, Is This You?

SKUNKY: Compared to the earlier video of the same year, this is more or less the quality you’d expect out of a camera in the 2000’s if you weren’t deliberately trying to obscure the images. This is pretty convincing but unfortunately this is a modified image of an orangutan. You can actually find the original ape photo that they used to manipulate this one. 

CH: Interesting. Amazing what lengths people will go through to perpetuate their beliefs. And again, we’ll be posting these images to instagram, so be on the lookout.

FM: Last but certainly not least is an image made in 2004. This one’s near and dear to my heart. It is an eye-witness sketch by Jennifer Ward of what she claims to have seen in Green Swamp Area in my own home of Polk County. I actually still have this newspaper article in storage. So I gotta ask: Is This You?

CH: Kind of looks like Grover on Meth. He’s missing all of his teeth.

SKUNKY: Wait a minute. Hey, yea that’s me!! Like 100%!

CH: It is?

SKUNKY: Yea, but you’re looking at it all wrong. You see, that’s not a gaping black toothless mouth...that’s actually just my dark bushy mustache!

FM: Oh yea, I see it now! I guess that ‘bout wraps up our game of “Is This You.” There are a surprising number of pictures of you floating around the internet and papers.

Part 4: Mistaken Identity

CH: Yea, and hoaxes aside, a lot of people genuinely believe to have seen the Florida Swamp Ape. Who or what do you think are the real culprits behind all of these sightings?

SKUNKY: I mean, there is always a chance they actually did see me. But more often than not, folks are probably seeing a black bear, maybe even a panther. There have been cases of escaped apes. In 2003 there was an ape loose in Campbell County. A lot of people blamed a guy named Jerome Love, who promptly answered a summons at the Campbell County Sheriff's Department with his monkey, "Mugway," with him to prove his innocence. 

FM: Crazy. Any other culprits, you reckon?

SKUNKY: Meth heads. The homeless. Pranksters. Any of these might give a frightening impression to unsuspecting people, especially at night. 

FM: Dave Shealy, the fella who took that video we showed you seems pretty damned convinced he’s seen you wanderin’ ‘round the swamps., and has been on the hunt for ya for over 30 years. 

CH: Man even went as far as founding the Skunk Ape Headquarters in Ochopee, FL. 

SKUNKY: Yea, I’ve seen the place. Man’s doing a great thing, spreading awareness, and hopefully lessening people’s erratic fear of me. At least when they see me in the buff. I’ve become somewhat of an unseen celebrity in these parts.

FM: Speakin’ of celebrity, you’ve become the official “social-distancing” mascot at one of oldest attractions in Central Florida, Gatorland. 

SKUNKY: Wait, really? I love Gatorland.

CH: Yea, “Social-Distancing Skunk Ape” they call him. Got a mask on, carries wipes and sanitizers. Pretty fun stuff.

SKUNKY: I gotta go back and visit sometime.

FM: Yea, just make sure you’re, you know...in your Burt Reynold-est disguise.

Part 5: Farewell

CH: Good point.

FM: Welp, sun’s getting low and skeeters getting worse so that’s probably our cue to truck off.

CH: Anything else you’d like to say to the folks listening?

SKUNKY: Hm. Sure, if you listeners ever see a seven foot Swamp Ape running at ya and hollaring, that’s just my way of saying “hello.” And maybe...stop shooting bullets at hurricanes? Hurricanes just don’t work that way. Oh, and also, if you two ever bump into my cousins in the Pacific Northwest, hug their necks for me!

CH: You betcha!

FM: Wait, you’re putting your clothes back on?

SKUNKY: Of course, gotta go to Walmart before it gets too dark. 

CH: Aren’t you afraid people will notice you?

SKUNKY: A giant hairy guy dressed like Burt Reynolds? No. It’s Walmart...in Florida. 

FM: Can’t argue that. You take care, Skunky, and keep in touch!

CH: Yah, real pleasure to meetcha!

[Airboat sounds as Skunky drives off]

PART 5:

CH: Looks like that’s our show. We hope you learned something because I know we sure did.

FM: Shoot us an email at thetalegatepodcast@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram @TheTalegatePodcast for photos, cast info, updates and more!

CH: Be sure to tune in again in two weeks for our next episode.

FM: See ya later, Talegaters!